The coalgebra QSym of quasisymmetric functions was shown by Aguiar, Bergeron, and Sottile to be the terminal object in the category of graded coalgebras with a zeta function. I'll explain a categorified version of that result, in the framework of simplicial homotopy theory: QSym is the incidence coalgebra of a decomposition space Q of monotone surjections, and its zeta function Z is given by the empty surjection and the connected surjections. We show that for any graded decomposition space X with a zeta function F, there is a unique graded span of decomposition spaces X ← J → Q, where the backward map is ikeo (inner Kan and equivalence on objects) and the forward map is culf (conservative and unique lifting of factorisations) inducing F from Z. (Such spans induce coalgebra homomorphisms, and conjecturally all.) In fact, the result turns out to be much more general, leading to a functoriality that also gives the universal property of QSym as a bialgebra, and giving as a side effect Hoffmann's general construction of quasi-shuffles. (Most of the talk will be about simplicial machinery, and a secondary goal is to promote interactions between algebraic combinatorics and homotopy theory/category theory.) This is joint work with Philip Hackney and Jan Steinebrunner